Andrea David Vega Explains: What is a High Conflict Ex?

It starts with a text. One that stings. You’ve just sent a polite message about your child’s dentist appointment, and instead of a simple “thanks,” you get a three paragraph response laced with accusations, blame, and reminders of everything they think you’ve done wrong. You take a deep breath, reread what you sent, and ask yourself again: How did a simple update turn into another exhausting interaction?

If this feels familiar, you might be dealing with a high conflict ex.

A high conflict ex is someone who continues to create drama, chaos, or emotional distress even after a relationship has ended. They thrive on conflict, blame others for problems, struggle with emotional regulation, and often refuse to compromise, especially when children or shared responsibilities are involved.

These individuals often exhibit patterns like:

• Frequent blame or criticism 
• Explosive reactions or passive-aggressive behavior
• Refusal to follow boundaries or court orders
• Using the children to manipulate or send messages
• A need to control communication, schedules, or co-parenting dynamics
  
  

Not every difficult co-parent is a high conflict ex. The key difference is in the pattern and intensity. With high-conflict individuals, peaceful communication feels nearly impossible. You often find yourself walking on eggshells, second guessing your every word, and feeling emotionally drained after every interaction.

Why Does This Happen?

Some high conflict exes have traits consistent with personality disorders (like narcissistic or borderline tendencies), while others are stuck in grief, guilt, fear, or unresolved trauma. Whatever the reason, they often see the world in black and white: one person is all good, the other is all bad. Guess which one you are in their story?

Unfortunately, when kids are involved, you can’t just walk away. You’re bound by parenting responsibilities and often by court orders that require ongoing contact.

Three Strategies for Dealing with a High-Conflict Ex

Use BIFF Communication (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm)
High conflict personalities feed off drama and emotion. BIFF is your shield.
Brief: Stick to the facts. Don’t overshare or explain.
Informative: Answer what’s needed, nothing more.
Friendly: Keep a neutral, respectful tone.
Firm: Set boundaries and don’t waver.

Example: “Thanks for your message. Yes, I’ll drop Ava off at 5pm as planned.”
No defending, no overexplaining, no jabs. Just facts and boundaries.

Parallel Parenting Instead of Co-Parenting
Traditional co-parenting involves collaboration and teamwork. But when one parent is high conflict, this model fails. Parallel parenting allows each parent to operate more independently while minimizing contact. You’ll follow court orders, maintain your own rules during your parenting time, and communicate only when absolutely necessary, usually in writing.

Document Everything
Save messages, log interactions, and keep a calendar of missed visits or incidents. This protects you if legal intervention is needed and helps you stay grounded in reality. It’s easy to question your memory when gaslighting is part of the equation, documentation is your receipt.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not the Problem

If you’re dealing with a high conflict ex, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing. But here’s the truth: you didn’t cause their behavior, and you can’t control it. What you can control is how you respond, how you protect your peace, and how you show up for your child. The more you disengage from the drama, the more power you take back.